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See You In Court

It shouldn't be me, paralyzed with fear before I walk into a police station to speak the truth about what happened that night. It shouldn’t be me who has to bear the lasting effects of what you did to me, over a year later, while you continue to live your life as if nothing ever happened. It shouldn’t be me who’s paying for therapy and medications just to keep me stable. I am paying for that night with my entire being, and you have no idea.

Yes, it was over a year ago, and until now, I chose to keep my mouth shut for the fear it’d been too long, and nobody would believe me because I have not an ounce of physical evidence. Four hundred and seventy four days later, I am choosing to no longer be silent. I realized that you don’t deserve to live comfortably in a lie anymore. You deserve to be exposed for what you are, and what you did. If that is all that comes from this, I’ve already won.

If I walk in there today and pour my heart out to a stranger in a uniform, and they decide there’s no grounds for a case, I’ll be okay, because I won’t look back in twenty year’s time, wondering “what if?”. I’m not entirely doing this for me, because in all honesty, I’m terrified. I’m doing this for every other girl who didn’t speak up, for all the same reasons I was so hesitant.

Almost every part of me wants to back out, and let this go. I keep going down the rabbit hole of “what if I’m doing this for nothing?” and “what if nobody believes me?”. There’s a tiny part of me, just loud enough to be heard telling me that this is the right thing to do. Telling me at least I’ll know that I tried, and if it doesn’t go the way I’d like it to, I have so many people who will catch me if I fall, and I’m sure there would be no one to save you if this works out in my favor, which ultimately, speaks to the kind of person you are.

I guarantee you that I’ve suffered more than you ever will, even if you have charges to your name after all of this. I have multiple hospital records, even a year after that night, because the mere thought of it has been ripping me apart ever since. I sincerely hope that the system does its job, and I get to see the result of something I should’ve done a year ago, but the person I was a year ago was too scared. The person I am today knows that whatever happens, I’ll be okay, and I hope that scares you.

Niamh Sullivan

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