I'm writing because I can't bring myself to communicate with you in any other way. I'm writing because I have so many things I want to say to you that a mere text message could not get across. Hearing your voice in my head sometimes breaks my heart all over again, and I can only imagine what would happen if I could hear it one more time outside of my messy little head.
I’m sorry that I couldn’t love you in the way that you deserved. I’m sorry I made you feel uncared about. The truth is, I had no more energy to expend. I was sick, and I couldn’t see it. You deserved so much more than what I was able to offer you. I felt like I was receiving far more than I was giving, and I felt guilty every second of every day.
You cared enough to check up on me when I got quiet for even just a little while. You made sure I had eaten, showered, brushed my teeth, taken my meds, and even kept my house as tidy as I was able. When I was barely surviving, you were there to make sure I kept breathing, if that’s all I was able to do. You stuck with me and got me through the stormiest of nights. I didn’t show it, but my heart was beating for you, and only you. You showed me what true love was, and you made me feel like I deserved the entire world with every beautiful thing it had to offer. For that, I am eternally grateful, and you will always hold a very special place in my disheveled heart.
I have been reflecting on it, a lot. I realized I never showed you the same amount of dedication and love you showed to me. I’m sorry you felt pushed away and your help disregarded. I am infinitely sorry for how much time, energy, and love you put into me, when there is someone out there who can reciprocate everything and more, and you deserve them. You deserve the whole universe, with the sun, the stars, every galaxy, and all the planets combined.
We spent hours upon hours on video calls. That turned into a short hour every couple of days. I got increasingly exhausted. I had no energy. I’d honestly hoped you’d realize you deserved better before I did. You thought I was perfect in every way, shape, and form. Nothing I did ever upset you, or, if it did, you let it go, because you knew I was hurting, all the time, and you never wanted anything more than to see me smile.
You loved me at my worst. I don’t think you ever saw me at my best, but you’d be amazed at who I am now. I have hobbies and passions. I write words no one else would think to speak. I push myself to get better every single day. I have worked so hard on myself since we had to say goodbye, and I only have you to thank. You made me realize that maybe, I did deserve better than the miserable life I was forcing myself to live.
You took me to see the most beautiful things. My favorite things. Sunsets, butterflies, the most gorgeous hikes, serene walking trails, and beaches that stretched for kilometers. You gave my life new meaning in an unfamiliar place that once filled me with dread, and I’m sorry I had to leave so soon. You truly were, my best friend. Even when it was time for me to go, and you were heartbroken, you pulled yourself together and helped me pack my bags and hugged and kissed me goodbye with weary eyes. When I was finally in my forever home, you embarked on the treacherous journey to come and help me move in, because god knows I couldn’t do it alone, and I truly loved nothing more than seeing your kind eyes in person each time I was gifted with them.
You didn’t laugh at or make fun of my flaws. You said my flaws were what made me even more beautiful than you could imagine. You never judged me for my rocky and broken past. You made sure I knew I was the most stunning girl you’d ever laid eyes on. I never really believed you, but you never failed to tell me how amazing I was.
We dressed up as Beauty And The Beast for Halloween. You didn’t have much of a say but went with it anyway to make me happy. You dressed up to take pictures for my silly little Instagram page. I still look at those. We got matching pajamas and took pictures by the Christmas tree we bought at Walmart, and decorated ourselves. You were a few inches taller than it, and the decoration could’ve used some work, but it was our tree, and it was perfect.
We took pictures in the photo booth at the mall, and they still lie around my house because I can’t seem to get rid of them. Neither of us was having a particularly good hair day, but it didn’t matter, because when I look at those pictures all I see are two people who used to love each other as deep as the ocean goes.
Losing you didn’t hit me so hard at first. I didn’t realize how much of my life I had really lost. These days, you not being here feels like a hole in my heart I have yet to find anything so perfect to fill it with. I wanted to be with you for eternity. I looked forward to every Christmas, birthday, and anniversary we’d get to celebrate together. I wanted to grow up with you. I wanted to get married with a full orchestra playing the theme from “How To Train Your Dragon” as I walked down the aisle. I wanted to adopt the army of dogs we’d always talked about. I wanted to grow old with you and have a house with a porch swing and a huge backyard. I broke my promise to you, and I’m sorry. You are worthy of so much more.
You are such a special person. I know you couldn’t see that for yourself most days, and every day I hoped you’d be able to see yourself the way I did. Through my eyes, you were everything a girl could ever dream of asking for. You were the safest place to release, lift the weight of the day off of my frail shoulders, and go to sleep on a cloud with the sweetest of dreams.
I still wear your sweater. I sleep with the blanket your grandmother knit for me. In the morning, when my feet are frostbitten, I put on the slippers you gave me for Christmas. I listen to the songs you played in your car when we went on drives together. I eat your favorite foods. When I’m sad, I light the candle you bought for me the last time I saw your loving face.
I often think about the last time I saw you in person. You had an itinerary that started just before the sun awoke from its slumber. You thought I was asleep, but you kissed me and told me you loved me, and that is a memory that will stay in my mind for the rest of my time on this planet.
As painful as it is to say, I still miss you. I won’t ever stop missing you. I will never stop loving you. You changed my life for the better and I don’t think I’ll ever meet someone so faithful as you were to me. I am also grateful for the time the universe gave us together. I’m not religious, but I sometimes wonder if God exists because someone out there knew I needed you.
I don't know if you'll ever see this but I am here for you, and I always will be,
Niamh Sullivan
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