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I'm Scared, Please Help Me

Updated: Mar 23, 2023

The feeling of impending doom is almost always there, even when there is no reason for it. I feel the urge to run away, but I don't know what I'm running from. The unhealthy coping mechanisms I have developed are slowly killing me.

I always feel like something terrible is about to happen when everything is okay for a suspiciously long time. It is so frustrating to not be able to put into words what I'm experiencing. I just don't know what to say anymore.

I spend hours upon hours coming up with ways to distract myself, but nothing is ever enough to relieve the fear. Even when I'm happy, I am scared, all at the same time. The emotions are often so overwhelming, I end up experiencing the most intense panic I've ever felt in my life.

I am never able to describe it to therapists, and because of this, they think I don't need as much help as I truly do. I worry that nobody knows how to help me. I am a prisoner to my own thoughts, and there is no way to escape, because how does one escape themselves?

I can't get out of my head, even for a moment, no matter how hard I try. There is a constant voice inside my mind telling me to worry, but not why. I have tried meditation, but the voice is too loud to focus. I write, but the writing is only a reminder of how miserable my life really is.

I am so traumatized, not even sleep is an escape. All the worries of my day greet me in my nightmares. The way to process trauma is to relive it in your head. And I do, every night, but I am still hurting. Every day, life finds new ways to flood my brain with horrifying memories of my past.

Specific songs, clothing, smells, and sounds can send me into a spiral of flashbacks, leaving me out of control of anything.

I wish I could sleep and not dream, forever. I need relief. I need peace. I need the war with my brain to end.

I am scared, and I believe nobody can help me.

Niamh Sullivan

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Insight grows by millimetres, healing often even slower, but it does grow.

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