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I Didn't Mean it

Updated: Mar 22, 2023

I didn't mean it when I said I hated you. That wasn't me talking, it was the sick, twisted monster living in my brain that takes control of me sometimes. I didn't mean it when I said I wish you were dead, because really I don't know what I'd do without you. I even scare myself sometimes. I hope you don't believe me when I say I want you to leave because I want you to stay until the monster conceals himself again.

When I sense a change in your tone of voice, I fear you are mad at me, or that I have annoyed you. I'm sorry that I keep asking for reassurance, but my brain hardly believes you still love me. Even when I have given you every reason to leave, you continue to stay; but I fear that someday soon, you will abandon me because I am too much to handle.

My intrusive thoughts tell me you are only here because you feel obligated. Please tell me that it isn't true. I want you to stay because you want to. I don't mean to frustrate you, I promise; but my mind is never satisfied no matter how much you try to put me at ease. I don't want to feel like this, but I can't help it. It's not my fault.

Sometimes I find myself thinking that I will never find someone who can convince me they love me enough to persuade my tangled head. I convince myself that I am not deserving. I believe I am too extreme for most people. I worry I will end up alone in the end, with no one but doctors and nurses at my bedside.

I'm sorry that I am like this. I wish it wasn't this way. Every morning I wake up and the battle against my thoughts begins again. I promise that I love you with every ounce of my being, always, no matter how much my words have made you believe that is untrue. Please forgive me. I didn't mean it.


My BPD mind.

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